King Lewis

In the past 6 months some of you have made some subtle and not so subtle comments about my weight and as a result my crazy masters have decided to cut down on my regular food, ease up on the treats, and run me harder. Let's first of all understand that I have been eating the same freakin' dog food for 11 years, I don't get alot of treats to begin with, and running 9km in the heat is not my idea of a good time. It's not like I eat at the buffet every night and then to cut back on my measely portions is a bit of a slap in the face! I am 11 years old for cryin' out loud (that's 77 for you idiots) and running hard ain't where its at for me! Capiche?

Now then, I really didn't want to go the vet, but to settle this issue I thought it was best. I sat on their stupid scale and won't ya know it.....apparently I weighed 74.3 lbs in December of 2002 (although hell if I remember), and today weighed in at a whoppin' 74 lbs! That's right kids a real 'tub-o', 'fat albert' over here!

So next time you humans , and you know who you are, belly up to a full plate of pasta, steak and fresh pie, perhaps you should think about you're own weight, push away, and chow done on your words!

Have a nice day...arf

Lewis

Max's vacation

Hi. My name is Max. I am staying at my Auntie's place while my family is on vacation to the Domincan Republic.

I have been here for 2 weeks so far, it has been fun, but I'm looking forward to seeing my 2 buds, Brooklyn & Jaeda. I think I'm heading home this weekend!







I discovered this animal at the house next door. I have a great view from the patio into the neighbour's yard.








Auntie & Uncle keep saying "Don't bug Bunny... stop bugging Bunny!" Well, whatever it is, he is sure fun to look at.





I know that Bunny likes me to bug him because he sits right by the fence and wiggles his nose at me. I cry and cry. I so want Bunny to come play in my yard... or better yet, if I keep working at the fence, I'll be able to go over to say hi. Just a couple more scratches and bumps with my nose, and the fence panel will come right out!





So... I met the girrrrl of my dreams. And she lives right next door! Her name is Idaho. She is a red head...ruff!

In the mornings, before I head out for a walk, I stand on the deck and cry to see her. But she doesn't come out.

After a hard days work, I can't wait to see her.






I'm just so happy to see her! I grin from ear to ear!








We have so much fun together. We just laugh and laugh as we play.

I'm going to miss her when I go home, but I know I'll see her again.

Long Weekend Yurting

Woo-woo-woo-wooooooooo!

Ok... what the hell is a "yurt"? I don't know, and honestly, I don't really care. All I know, is that I spent 3 sleeps at a lake where there were two of these things, and 11 of my best friends there! I think I have been here before, but we dogs have the memory of, well, a dog. I can't remember where I last peed, let alone the last time I visited a yurt. Regardless, this is pretty much one of the coolest places I've been to - there are plenty of humans to throw the ball for me, I can go swimming any time I want, and there are lots of little critters for me to chase around. There's even mice for me to chase around inside the yurt at night - although, I don't think this was a popular nocturnal activity - but what is a dog to do? I mean, there's frickin' mice running around the inside of the yurt! It would be like having a cold beer waved in front of my human's face - he's going to try and grab it, right?

Let's talk about my favourite past-time... no, not humping. We're talking ball here, all ball. Ball in the water, ball in the grass, ball on the deck... it's an all ball weekend here. I'm telling you, I could hardly contain myself. Sometimes, I get so excited about chasing the ball, my legs shake. But it's not as easy as you might think, chasing the ball. I like to get a head start on the ball sometimes, but these frickin' humans - they sometimes don't throw the ball where I'm heading. I mean, what is up with that? Some kind of cruel human joke? Or maybe it's because the girl humans, well, they throw like girls. I'm half-way down the hill, ready to chase down the ball, but the ball doesn't even come close to me! Or check this one out... what the f--k? How is a guy supposed to get this?

So you're probably wondering what the hell was going on here. Me too. For the life of me, I don't know how I got in this predicament. My human was out in the boat, and so I figured another boat was going out, I got in. But then, we didn't meet up with my human - no, I had to stay with the girls while they jumped in the water and screamed! What is up with that? I mean, I'm in and out of the water, I dunno, a hundred times a day (hard to say really, as I can't count), and you don't hear me screaming. Note to self: next time the girls go out in the boat, run away.

Public Enemy #1

Ok, so maybe I went a little overboard chasing these frickin' little rodents, but I figure that there's only room for one 4-legged king of the yurt, and that's me, baby. Every time I turned around, there was another one - running through the grass, climbing up a tree, even hanging out in the shower! I tell you, this place is like an amusement park - there's boat rides, live animals, and plenty of things to eat (that I'm not supposed to, I mean) - a new adventure every moment. I was like, partying till I puked... which I did. Doesn't everyone?

Anyhow, it is pretty exhausting being me - I should learn from my old pal, Rico. Now he really knows how to relax when he's up at the yurt. That's all for now... later.

Lewis

Another stay at Rico's

Since I have no concept of time, I can't tell you when I was last over at Rico's, but it seemed like yesterday. But I went over and only Christine was there. I don't know where Rico was, but no matter, as I dig chicks more anyways... nothing beats sticking my nose in between their legs and getting a good back scratch! Anyhow, it was a pretty quiet evening... had to laugh at making Christine pick up my poop however - not sure she was going to be able to cope with that.

The next day, after what would seem like hours, both Rico and Christine came home! Rico looked rough - he was away in Montreal for a week, and was partying hard I guess. I would soon find out what he was feeling like. Regardless, I got out on my grass and did what I do best - wriggle around on my back and make eggbeater patterns in the air with my legs! The frickin' bunny was still running around in the next yard, and I watched intently.

The next day, more of the same... Rico and I go for a walk early in the morning before Christine gets her lazy ass out of bed. When we get back, I run into the house to wake her up by sticking my wet nose in her face, and breathing hard on her (I know I have bad breath). Christine was suntanning out in the yard, and I joined her most of the day. Rico did some stuff around the garage, then we all went inside to get out of the heat and watch a movie. I don't think we finished the movie, as we all ended up having an afternoon nap. I tell you, this place is awesome (except that frickin' screen door - ran into it again last night!).

That evening, we took a road trip and ended up at a house where there was a human that looked just like Rico, but without any hair. Turns out this is his brother, Mike. Anyhow, there is another BBQ taking place, and there is plenty of fun to be had here. That bitch Chelsey (a yellow lab) was there, but I don't really like her, and spent most of my time trying to get the small humans to throw the ball for me. I found a yellow chew toy (it was on the ground, so it must be mine) and I quickly tore the head off it. One of the little humans was squirting water at me, but being an old dog, I took it all in without fuss - Rico made her stop anyways.

Another morning, another poop. Then Rico was out back painting his gates, but I was wiped! I partied too hard last night, and now I can barely lift my head off the ground. I can't believe I'm saying this, but today, I don't need to chase the ball. And normally, I hang out in the shade, but today, I'm so beat, I need the sun to recharge my batteries. But it's great having my two surrogate humans to hang out with on these sunny afternoons.

Later dudes,

Lewis

Three Days in Paradise

by Lewis

Well, it would appear that my humans had to go somewhere again this weekend, so I got to spend another 4 days and three nights at the spa, also known as Rico's place. It was great to see Christine and Rico again, as it had been about a month since I've had a chance to roll around on the grass in the backyard. You see, this is really my grass.

Sure, there are other dogs that spend time there, I know that. I wasn't born yesterday. I've heard about the new Berner, "Lupin" or something gay like that. I've also heard about this so-called "Jasper" who has been marking his territory around the yard. But who is the king? Me, that's who. Even at my old age, I am still cute, and what I lack in puppy-appeal, I can easily make up with my charm and talent. Who else can sleep with a tennis ball in their mouth? Huh? Name them.

So I goes over to the backyard, only to find a whole yard full of people standing on my grass. Who the hell do these people think they are anyways? I guess this is something they call a "backyard BBQ"... all I know, is that this sucks. All sorts of great smelling stuff going on the BBQ, but none of it falling off the table. So I cruise around the table looking for some fallout, but everyone thinks I'm looking for attention. Screw them... bring on the steak!

So after they all eat, and it starts getting dark, instead of heading back into the house, they all stay outside! This, of course, is what I like to do, since there isn't any grass inside. As it gets dark out, Rico turns on that crazy thing that plays the images on the wall in the basement. But this time, it is playing images on the garage! What the hell? It gets cold out, but not for me of course, with my silky soft fur coat, but I hear the girls complaining, and Rico has to grab sleeping bags from the garage to keep them warm. Women... high maintenance, but you still gotta love 'em.

The next day, I get to hang out in the yard all day, as Rico is in the back making birdhouses. What the hell does he need birds hanging around for, when he's got me to keep him company? What he really should have been making, is a "Lewis-house". Waste of time if you ask me. He shouldn't be attracting the birds, he should be figuring out a way to get rid of them. Like those frickin' crows. Those frickin' things are always cawking at me... what the hell did I ever do to them? One day, if I ever catch one... Anyways, Rico says he made the birdhouses to get rid of the last few bits of the cedar that he and my human took out of the kitchen and bathroom. That Rico is a pretty handy guy, for a human.

Regardless, I got to spend plenty of time to peek through the fence and watch that frickin' bunny next door. This time, the freakin' thing is running around loose! I tell you, I dream about this all the time, and here I am, separated by a flimsy cedar fence from my dream. I can't tell you how frustrating that is.

Next day, more hanging out on the grass. I tell you, this place is awesome. No one ever goes inside. I guess it might be because of the sunny weather and the outdoor activities. Christine spent the day gardening, and Rico, well, he napped on the grass beside me. We went for a walk down Cambie later on, and I had a chance to poop and pee on everything I could find worth peeing on. We came across three other golden retrievers playing on the sidewalk. Apparently, one of them was in heat. No matter to me, cuz as far as I'm concerned, they are all worth humping. I tear off after one, but the frickin' leash got me again, and I think I damn near tore off Christine's hand. So we continue on our walk... they were picking up food at a place called "Sala Thai"... all I know is that I got to go for yet another walk.

Here it is, my last day in paradise... it was an awesome stay. I have to go home soon, as Tasha is going to be back from work soon, and I want to be there to greet her when she gets home.

Later,

Lewis

My July Long Weekend

by Lewis

Well, my humans abandoned me again this weekend. But to my total amazement and joy (I never know what I'm doing from one day to the next) I got to spend the weekend with my surrogate humans, Rico and Christine. It turns out that this is some sort of holiday weekend, as there are all these red and white flags everywhere I look... even though I only see in black and white, I am pretty sure they are red.

So I go for a visit to Rico's place – which I LOVE, not just because I get treats and lots of attention, but because I have a big, grassy yard to roll around on! Even better, there was this new thing in the back filled with water! I wasn't really sure about it at first, but after I tested it by dropping my ball into it, I was in heaven!

Normally, when I get left behind, I have to spend all day locked inside, waiting for someone to come home and take me out for a pee. Not this weekend though! We spend the entire time (ok, except my sleeping time) outdoors! I played ball for hours on end, and just when I thought things were getting boring, another doggie came over with some more humans. I don't know much about them, but the doggie who owns them was a scruffy-looking thing that Rico called a “Labra-doodle”. Something they called a designer breed that's not supposed to shed – whatever. I tried humping her anyways. That wasn't very popular. We stayed outside until it was time for me to go to bed, and I went inside to my special carpet to sleep - man, I had great sleeps there. Normally, I get up at around 6:30 am or so, and see if I can roust someone. Sometimes, I stick my wet nose in their face to get a reaction. If that doesn't do the trick, a big, sloppy tongue always works. But on this stayover, I was sleeping in late - Rico had to wake me up and drag me out of bed for my morning constitutional.

The next day, we took my car and went for a ride over to some place (I never know where we are going, as I sleep in the back). We get there, and I run around, pee on things and try to poop when Rico doesn't have one of his silly poop bags with him. I leave those things there for a reason – doesn't he know that by now? So we walk around on these trails for a while, but I can tell Rico is getting hot and tired, so we get back into the car and go to someplace called “Dundarave” and I sit on the sidewalk, waiting for hot chicks to cruise by. Nothing. Only humans with silver hair. This sure isn't like the old days when, my human and I would meet hotties on South Granville. I would impress them with my tricks and natural-born, killer good looks. Anyhow, after Rico and Christine eat (and give me nothing, of course), we ride back home, and Rico and I play in the pool. This time for dinner, some other humans come over, but this time, they bring a mini-human. I wasn't sure about this, but I tried to hump it anyways. Rico didn't like that. Maddie (as he is called) turned out to be ok, as he spent a lot of time playing with me. His throwing arm sucks however. Another late night, and I am pooped out – literally!

The following day was more of the same – except we spent a lot more time around the thing with the water. I love playing with the ball in the water, but one of my balls wouldn't float, and I would spend hours pawing at it under the water. Even more interesting, is the fact that there is a bunny next door. I would spend hours sitting on my favourite spot on the deck and watch the bunny in the cage. I couldn't believe that I was so close to the bunny! Every time it would move, I would jump! Of course, I would still pester Rico and Christine with my ball, and if that didn't work, I would pant in their faces (I know my breath smells, but yours would too if you could lick your own bum!). For some strange reason, Rico poured out all of the water, and put it away.

On the last day of my best weekend ever, we took another long ride in my car to someplace called “Belcarra”. It was hot, but we got to a green, grassy park by the ocean. Rico and Christine ate (and again, offered me nothing except water and frozen water). But I got to play fetch in the ocean – I love the water. I met an 8-week old Labrador-Husky cross... he was scared to go in the water, so I showed him how. Some small humans were throwing balls in the water for me, but for some reason, they didn't float, so I couldn't find them. We got back in the car and went to visit my friend, Paddington, although I think I scare him a bit. Wuss.

There you have it – best weekend ever. Well, there was that weekend that I spent the entire time humping Bailey. That's another story.

Lewis